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Ok, here goes.
My attempt to grab a line, look for the light and pull myself out of the depression ditch I have dug.
Trust me, it's a deep one.
I have been sleeping and crying and eating since Friday afternoon. I haven't even been able to pull myself together enough to talk on the phone for two days.
I have been a big fat blathering bed headed mess and it has to stop.
First.
I need to identify what I am so ruined over.
It's not me with cancer in a care facility not aware of my surroundings, I'm at home on the couch bawling watching daytime t.v.
What is with that?
Here's what I think.
I think that there was some ego ravaged side of me that thought I could make GK better.
He was better for awhile, but not because of me, it was because of the medication he was receiving and all I had to do with that was putting it in a dish every morning.
What is with that?
Here's what I think.
I think that there was some ego ravaged side of me that thought I could make GK better.
He was better for awhile, but not because of me, it was because of the medication he was receiving and all I had to do with that was putting it in a dish every morning.
BFD.
Second.
I think during the last two years I have defined myself not as someones Mother, or the "Nail Lady," but as GK's cancer companion.
I have let myself get so caught up in this, that one might think I had the big C.
I have learned every medical slang Doc talk there is relating to his treatment, I have researched everything there is to know about prostate cancer online and payed extra special attention to any episode of House that may have pertained to prostate cancer and found myself hanging on every cancer tidbit that Wilson threw out.
Third.
I think I need to learn how to just love GK again the way I did before "we" got cancer.
I need to make him the focus, not the disease
Insurance is paying other people to focus on that now and my new job needs to be loving him, not "fixing" or fixating on him.
Not having him here with me leaves a BIG empty hurting space in my heart, and our house feels like it's another heart short of a home.
I guess I need to get used to the idea that my Grammy is one heart short of a home where she is too, and has been waiting patiently for the time when she and our Grampy can be together again.
Ouch, that made my eyes blurry.
I have to go watch T.V, I'm losing my grip on the rope.
9 comments:
Aahh Marilyn, I have no idea if it's right or not, but I did the same thing when dad passed. I can be cooking along, doing great and it just blindsides me. I do think the couch, lots of tears and talking about GK will help. My family even knows the term "mom needs couch time." They all run in different directions (whimps). I do know that I HATE CANCER now. I never really thought about it before. Now that I have been up close and personal with it, I hate it. I know I can't help much, but I am just a button away. : )
I am so sorry about Grampy. Cancer is so hard. And no one can understand totally how each individual that is touched by is feeling or coping. My heart goes out to you and your family and my prayers as well.
My friend, I think you're becoming very philosophical and introspective in your old age...
You've always been a leap-before-you-look kinda gal. I can see that as awful and heartwrenching as this has been for you, it has made you wise and thoughtful. Take as much couch time as you need, but when all is said and done, don't let your spark go out.
A wise, thoughtful, sparky woman will be someone who makes Grammy, Dad, GK and everyone else who loves you very proud.
:)
TURN OFF THE TV! It enhances depression. Go outside and lay in the grass in that beautiful yard and let yourself grieve. You are allowed to grieve for the losses that you are experiencing now. Eventhough GK is still alive, there has been a loss in your home and in your way of life. Aknowledge it and don't feel bad about crying. We have that emotion for a reason.
add me to the "hate cancer" group. I lost my dad too young (12) to it.
You write beautifully on this and all I can say is keep hugging yourself and your loved ones. Your love and nurturing shows through and I don't even know you.
Agree with others: turn off the t.v, get fresh air, take hot showers and baths, drink water, eat whole foods, read, do crosswords, cry, laugh scream, punch pillows, write and then write more, call friends and e your bloggy friends and then turn off the computer too.
You are strong. I can feel it.
{{{{Hugs}}}} to both you and Grampy. From what I have read he is a remarkable human. Hang in there, breathe and feel.
Hmm. This all sounds way more logical and healthy than I can muster when I'm in the depths. It's OK to be sad, you know? You're here, and you're writing, and you're thinking through some possible ways out, and so what if you're soaking up food and soap operas like a mega-sponge? We are all too hard on ourselves. Sometimes we just need to wallow.
(thinking of you)
I love you again.
Oh, honey. I wish I knew what to say to make everything all better. BIG HUGS. I'm thinking about you.
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