Still Here

Just to busy to blog right now.
Everyone is doing better with every day that passes, and time together is good.
I think life will start slowing down a bit next week, I'll be back then.

Time Together

Our Family has been very saddened by the passing of our Grampy.

Through the sadness we also find joy and celebrate the life that he and our Grammy built on this beautiful farm and the people they helped us to become.

We will continue to honor them every day of our lives through hard work, laughter and our love for one another.

Kenneth Robert Fahrenholz

November 19, 1926 -  June 27, 2008

Look Again!!

How stinkin cute are they!!
They live under Wendy's house, but we can smell them from ours : )

Look!!

Our new/old fountain resurrected for the first time since I was about three years old.
COOl huh!

Sunshine and Goldfish

I was outside ALL day yesterday!

I woke up feeling really good and just took the feeling outside and stayed there.

I put together a new koi pond that is sooo cool. It's one of those giant concrete yard art bowls from the 1960's that had been filled with dirt. So I got a shovel and started runnin' it.

The sheep guy and is wife came by to pick up a sprayer. It should have been a ten minute job, but as things go, it turned in to an hour long PIA. 

The tank was full, the bolts were stripped, the hitch was buggered, the gate fell down, etc..... 

So, I had time to get to know them better and I think they'd be good friend prospects. 

Mrs Shearer said she loved the "farm" and would like to come back sometime and Mr Shearer agreed.

I see lamb on the bbq in our future.

I wonder if they make artificial lamb chops like they make artificial crab.

I love you too kenna. (Subliminal message) 

Speaking of artificial and crab, did you watch Deadliest Catch last night?

Dumb.

That whole thing with Phil acting like such a Nancy over coughing up blood as he smoked away.

Whatever.

I'll feel bad when they tell him he has cancer next week, but they should have played a different angle on how he handled his injury and impending lead role in a dramatic part.

I am so excited, we have company coming today!

My Sister Julie and her tag along kid.

Actually, I kind of feel like Olin is coming to visit and his Mom is coming with him. 

Olin has been the best moral support to me this last year, whenever I need a pick me up, he's only a click away, and nothing makes you feel better than name calling and ugly face with a ten year old boy.

Anywho, it's a long trip so they won't be here till' late this afternoon.

If I don't blog for a day or two you'll know why (My face stuck that way).

Pat the Cat is disturbing my peace with his constant meowing and clawing of skin, I need to go lead him through the open door so he can begin his morning hunt.

Not a very smart animal, but pleasant.

Get A Rope

Ok, here goes.
My attempt to grab a line, look for the light and pull myself out of the depression ditch I have dug.
Trust me, it's a deep one.
I have been sleeping and crying and eating since Friday afternoon. I haven't even been able to pull myself together enough to talk on the phone for two days.
I have been a big fat blathering bed headed mess and it has to stop.

First. 

I need to identify what I am so ruined over. 

It's not me with cancer in a care facility not aware of my surroundings, I'm at home on the couch bawling watching daytime t.v.
What is with that?
Here's what I think.
I think that there was some ego ravaged side of me that thought I could make GK better.
He was better for awhile, but not because of me, it was because of the medication he was receiving and all I had to do with that was putting it in a dish every morning. 

BFD.

Second. 

I think during the last two years I have defined myself not as someones Mother, or the "Nail Lady," but as GK's cancer companion.

I have let myself get so caught up in this, that one might think I had the big C.

I have learned every medical slang Doc talk there is relating to his treatment, I have researched everything there is to know about prostate cancer online and payed extra special attention to any episode of House that may have pertained to prostate cancer and found myself hanging on every cancer tidbit that Wilson threw out.

Third. 

I think I need to learn how to just love GK again the way I did before "we"  got cancer.

I need to make him the focus, not the disease

Insurance is paying other people to focus on that now and my new job needs to be loving him, not "fixing" or fixating on him.

Not having him here with me leaves a BIG empty hurting space in my heart, and our house feels like it's another heart short of a home.

I guess I need to get used to the idea that my Grammy is one heart short of a home where she is too, and has been waiting patiently for the time when she and our Grampy can be together again.

Ouch, that made my eyes blurry.

I have to go watch T.V, I'm losing my grip on the rope.

Saturday Slideshow

It's a Beautiful Day

Well, I have to say these have been some rough days.

I have no witty banter or funny stories to tell.

My heart has been filled with sadness at the rapid Delcine in GK's health.

Hospice was here on Tuesday and made the decision to admit him into a five day respite facility to evaluate his medications and see how much pain medication he can tolerate.

His cancer has metastasized from his shoulders to his legs and is doing a number on his kidneys and liver as well.

Tuesday night and yesterday were a pretty rough go, but they kept telling me what a trooper he was and how charming he is.

He doesn't seem realize he isn't at home, and doesn't remember his poodles.

I went in to see him this morning, and like I told my sister, when he saw me he lit up like Frosty the Snowman when he put on his magic hat.

He was so happy and so right on in his wrongness. No pain, no worries, no sadness.

He was telling me how nice his "house" was, pointing out all the lovely furniture and surroundings. 

He asked me how things were going at my house and how the family was.

He was happy to hear that Wendy was tending bar and how he thought that was a perfect job with that outgoing personality of hers. 

He asked if Wyatt was in school yet and told me repeatedly how smart and artistic he thought Wyatt was.

He wondered what Mike was doing and if he was still milking cows (I just said yes ;)

We sat and drank coffee as he told me about the days he worked in the shipyards (he was a butcher, but my Grammy was a welder during the war) and all the fun times they had.

We laughed as we talked about old times that I can't remember, but times that have come back to bring him joy, so wherever he leads, I will follow and just be happy he invited me to dance.

These have been two of the hardest years of my life, but looking back I can see that they were also two of the best.

So today I'm going outside.

I will fire up the DVR and watch my stories tonight.

I'm going to listen to the birds and dig in the dirt.

I'm going to play with the Garcia's and chase the ducks with a hose.

I'm going to drink pink lemonade on the patio with my son and dream of Honey-do's for my Husband

I'm not going to worry about what will be, I am going to get every bit of joy from what is.

Ciao'

Late Post

It has been a very sad day on the farm.

My Grampy was admitted to a care facility for respite care today.

His condition has deteriorated to the point that we are no longer able to care for him at home.

We hope that with some medication adjustments he may be able to come home at the end of the week.

My eyes are wet and blurry and my heart aches, so thats all for now.

Another Monday

Out of the blue my friend Yma (Amy) called on Saturday.
She was in town, tracked me down and wanted to know when and where we could meet and catch up on old times and new.
First I had to catch my breath because I couldn't believe it was her on the phone....
Whenever, wherever was my reply and we met up a few hours later.
When I saw her (it has been ten years since the last time) it was like I had just seen her the day before and like no time had passed.
I cried and hugged her and just started babbling. I was soo happy to see her.
We caught up on current events, husbands, kids, work, Pets, friends, jobs and life in general.
I felt like I had changed alot, but to me, Yma hadn't changed a bit and just seeing her brought back so many happy memories.
I love that she was here.



Kelly went home today.
She has been here for a week, and in that week we caught up on our sleep and got some much needed rest.
She took all the night shifts, (which are the hardest) so I'm sure she will be happy to get home to her family and her own bed and get some rest herself.
I'm sad to see her go, but I also feel like now that we have Hospice we have a safety net.
So far, everyone I have met has been so wonderful and more than happy to help with anything we need.
I feel like they understand what we are going through without me having to say a word.
They get that we can't continue without rest, staying up all night and worrying about every ones safety.
To put it simply, they "get it".

My stories are on.

Enjoy the day!



P.S
pRick. Stay on your own side of the fence line and don't bother waving when I'm staring at you through the binoculars. I know you know I'm there, that's why I'm doing it.

P.S.S
Underwear under shorts are required attire on our side of the property line, so if you know your trespassing and your neighbor is tracking you with binoculars, don't be a dirty perv.
Thanks.

Happy Fathers Day M Parks

I know, I know, today is supposed to be laying on the couch day, but I didn't get to Hallmark for a card and don't have a new power tool on hand to offer up as a gift to show our appreciation

So I will pay homage to one of the greatest Dads of all time with my words and my heart and of course, a few photographs.
I'm pretty sure Sparky will love being the star of his own photographic montage.

First let me say a few words about the man I married.

Mike was already a Dad when we met.
Not just any Dad, but a doting Dad.
His daughter means more to him than anything in the world, and it shows.
I am thankful every day that he has made room in his heart to be the same kind of Father to Wyatt.
They are both so lucky to have a father who shows them so much compassion, love, and understanding accompanied with such acceptance, patience and praise.

We love you Mike,
Happy Fathers Day!

My Father didn't tell me how to live, he lived well, and let me watch him do it. 

~Clarence Budington Kelland